


I let go of my claim on you

by loveclubwriting



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, somewhat slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24015460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveclubwriting/pseuds/loveclubwriting
Summary: Donghyuck and Yukhei have been friends since third grade. Yukhei has to move. Donghyuck joins a band.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Zhong Chen Le, Lee Donghyuck I Haechan/Qian Kun, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	I let go of my claim on you

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is my baby, and i love it with my whole heart, that been said this isnt beta'd. The title like always is a song lyric , its from godspeed by frank ocean. None of the song lyrics are mine. Have a fun time reading :)

Yukhei and Donghyuck meet on the playground in third grade. 

Where Yukhei had been all smiles and enthusiasm, Donghyuck was shy glances and sweaty hands. But that didn’t matter, not when Yukhei had enough confidence for them both. They quickly became friends because Yukhei always liked to pull and Donghyuck could do nothing else but follow. That was how things were between them, and Donghyuck didn’t mind.

So like a steady shadow Donghyuck would trail behind Yukhei like a silent guardian, or an overprotective chihuahua.

He played sports because he knew Yukhei loved them, so like that both at age 14 started playing football. Even at that age Yukhei had a natural talent, and how couldn’t he? He had grown taller that summer before High School almost three inches, he remembered how he would go to Yukhei’s house and him being sprawled over the bed with pain in his joints and a flushed fever because of how quickly his limbs were growing, so they would stay inside watching youtube videos and Donghyuck did everything to make Yukhei smile which wasn’t difficult they were both each other’s favorite person.

When trying out for Football, Yukhei was a sure in, Donghyuck however barely made it in he was sure Yukhei had something to do with it. That was it wasn’t it? Donghyuck always liked to be next to Yukhei and Yukhei made sure that he would be. High School passed in a flurry of Football practices, elective courses and of course parties that Donghyuck would attend because by that point in time everyone knew, if Yukhei was there not far behind would be Donghyuck. 

Now both of them joined hip by hip like conjoined twins they entered the same college, if you ask them individually why the choose this college they both would say because they enjoyed the courses, it was close enough from home that they could go back easily, but there parents wouldn’t show up for random check ins. But deep down it was because they both wanted to be together and they both knew they would choose this college. A piece of home was always going to be with them, because they were each other’s home.

🌟

Donghyuck was going to meet up with Yukhei to eat some lunch. But received a text asking him to go to his dorm room, which wasn’t weird. Maybe he wanted to go together rather than meet there.

They both hadn’t really decided on a major, but they did decide they wanted to have a fun college experience and so when Yukhei had suggested they both not be roommates Donghyuck was a bit sad by that but only smiled in agreement. Which landed on Donghyuck being roommates with Chenle who was good for the most part but they never really carried a full conversation only passing statements like ‘please turn of the lights when you’re done’ or ‘please don’t eat my snacks’ mostly these statements were made by Donghyuck only having Chenle hum in agreement.

Donghyuck arrived at Yukhei’s dorm room and knocked, having Kun open the door. Kun was handsome and Donghyuck couldn’t help but blush anytime Kun would smile at him.

“here to see Yukhei right?” Kun asked, being already sure of the answer.

“yeah, I’m meeting him. He said he wanted to talk about something.” Donghyuck said nonchalant. Walking into the dorm. He was always surprised at how clean their dorm was but he figured it was all Kun’s doing since Yukhei wasn’t that clean of a person. His side of the dorm had a twin bed and dumb posters hung up, with two picture frames one with his family and a picture of them both at the age of 11, Donghyuck smiled at that.

Kun looked at him with a bit of sadness and pity. Donghyuck thought that was weird.

“Okay sure, um, I have to get to class. Yukhei went to get some food from the vending machine and he will be right back.” Kun said, grabbing his backpack and laptop.

“See you soon.” Kun gave him an apologetic smile and left.

Donghyuck didn’t have time to register it until Yukhei came busting in with some Chips and Soda.

“Brought you, your favorite stuff.” Yukhei said flushed like he came running.

“Thanks.” Donghyuck answered smiling at the food. “but I thought we were gonna have a real lunch.”

That’s when Yukhei sat down on his chair and rolled it until he was in front of Donghyuck he sighed and looked nervous. Yukhei never looked nervous, especially not with him. Donghyuck was starting to get anxious, what did he have to tell him that made the always confident Yukhei nervous?

“You know I’ve not been getting good grades, right?” Yukhei admitted almost diffidently. Who can blame him, Yukhei was a star player having gotten in with a scholarship due to how good he was at football, but also had time to play baseball. Most of the time both coaches were fighting over him so he could practice with their team. Because of this, yes Yukhei didn’t get the best grades, but he had average ones. If this is all about grades maybe he could have Mark help him, or maybe Yuta or hell Donghyuck is a genius with some subjects he could ask him.

Donghyuck nodded in agreement waiting for Yukhei to continue.

“You know my scholarship is half me doing well with the team, but the other half are my grades. I’ve been having a lot of trouble trying to get my grades up. I try so hard to study but it just doesn’t seem to click and then practice this season has been so hard and tiring.” Yukhei looks like he’s about to cry. Donghyuck hates this, he interrupts him.

“You can always leave baseball. I mean you were here only for football.” Donghyuck argues. Yukhei seems to tense up to that.

“That’s not the point.” He responds with an edge to his voice.

“Then if you need help studying you can ask Mark, or Yuta-“ Yukhei’s voice cuts right through that. “That’s not the point.” He says more sternly. Before he finishes saying that Donghyuck says in a soft voice ‘or me.’

Donghyuck is unsure now. “What is this all about then?” he asks.

“I need to be able to do things on my own.” Donghyuck answers.

Donghyuck makes a face that can only be described as?.

“What do you mean on your own?” He asked again unsure still of what this is all about.

“I got offered a full scholarship to a really good university in China, they even offered me a private tudor. I'm leaving in two weeks.” Yukhei says voice dull as if he wants to get over this as fast as possible.

Donghyuck blinks at that. 

What? Heart starts beating and beating, he feels his breath leave him like a punch. He feels his eyes brimming with tears.

“What” Donghyuck croaks.

Yukhei looks so sad and apologetic. Donghyuck laughs, but tears fall down.

Yukhei looks panicked at that fact, which he should be since Donghyuck rarely cries especially in front of people, Yukhei like always being the exception.

Yukhei continues.

“ Yeah, it’s a great Uni I know I have to keep my head out of the clouds the chances of me going pro are slim and they have good programs, and since it’s a full scholarship my parents won't have to deal with the payment, it’s a good deal. I’ll also have a private tudor. This is good for me, I need this. I need to stop depending on other people.” He says almost as if he's trying to convince himself.

“Depending on other people?” Donghyuck feels sick.

“Yes, depending on you, Mark, Yuta, Kun, anyone. I need to do things on my own.” He says as sternly as before.

“is it so unbearable having to depend on other people? On me , on Mark, on Kun?” he stops mid-sentence realization creeping in on him like a spider.

“Kun knows right?” Donghyuck says, his voice filled with anger.

Yukhei nods.

“How long has he known?” He stands up at that towering directly above Yukhei, this isn’t how they work. It's always Yukhei towering over him.

Yukhei looks up at him like he’s looking at a statue. 

“Since I applied, two months ago.” He says delicate enough hoping Donghyuck won’t listen, but he did, he has his full attention placed on him. How could he not? He's breaking his heart.

“who else knows?” Donghyuck says look up at the ceiling trying to sound calm, but the edges of his voice sound raw with both anger and sadness. He focuses on the dim star stickers up above, reminding him of sleepless nights in Yukhei’s bed talking about the future, their future. Now everything seems far out of reach, like a dream from another lifetime.

“the whole rat pack.” Yukhei responds. Donghyuck would have laughed at that, in another context the stupid name made for their groupchat, he has it on mute, most of time they only talk about football practice or baseball sometimes they send memes Donghyuck doesn’t really like. Not his cup of tea he had responded when Yukhei had shown him something Johnny sent out of breath. 

Donghyuck thinks that’s about 7 people that have just been introduced to Yukhei’s life that know this life changing decision before he did, Yukhei used to tell him everytime he so much as farted and now he can't even tell him this grandiose information. Donghyuck shoots his head down glaring at Yukhei red and puffy tears roaming down his face. Yukhei looks at him with concern, he puts his hands up like a kid wanting to get picked up by his parents. He wants to hug him now, show him comfort? Donghyuck could almost scoff. Where was this undying care when he made this decision?

“I didn’t want you to get sad, so I tried to stall it as much as I could, but my dad already bought the tickets.” Yukhei still has his arms up, does he want Yukhei to jump on to him and forgive him?

“Thank you so much for protecting me, for not wanting me to get sad because im not sad im fucking devastated.” His voice came out as a shout towards the end. He grabs his stuff and almost runs right out of the room. Head dizzy filled with tears. He almost wants to scream. He hears Yukhei calling for him, and he starts to run. 

🌟 

He arrives back to his dorm room in a hurry, huffing and puffing and no matter how much he breathes he cant feel the air in his lungs. He opens his room, still the same since he left it. Chenle hasn’t arrived from his classes and he is somewhat relieved. He closes the door behind him and sinks, not being able to feel his legs anymore and tries to choke down the sobs that are bubbling up trying to escape him, only soft hiccups can be heard. He puts his knees to his chest and puts his face on his knees, and cries. He can't quite pin what hurts him the most, the fact that him and Yukhei are best friends and should be the first ones to know about monumental changes like moving to the other side of the world, or the fact that he decided to move instead of staying here where it's safe, where everyone knows him and loves him, but most importantly stay here with him.

He doesn’t know how long he stays this way, his phone ringing non stop for a while. The sky getting more orange than blue and the door opens, he's looking at the way the dust is moving in his room being lit up by the orange light of day when Chenle kneels down in front of him worry transforming his face. Chenle has always had a poker face, almost as if he knows everything about everyone. So when Chenle’s face tender with concern appears in Donghyuck line of vision he can't help but cry more.

Donghyuck doesn’t expect the next movement Chenle makes. He embraces him in a hug rubbing slow circles on his back and Donghyuck can't hold back a sob anymore so he squeezes in between Chenle’s neck and cries so hard his head hurts. They stay like that until silver is all he can see in the darkness engrossing everything in his room.

After a moment they hear a knock and Donghyuck recognizes that knock anywhere, he could recognize all his actions and mannerism everywhere without a gun to his head just by the beat of his heart. His face is almost scared, he doesn’t want to talk to Yukhei not yet, no until he can wrap his head around everything.

Chenle looks at Donghyuck trying to figure out if he has his approval to answer the door and he just shakes his head, but then Yukhei bangs the door this time harder. Chenle looks at the door again, Donghyuck knows how stubborn Yukhei is, and if someone doesn’t answer he will stay until someone does. And he really isn’t ready to face him.

“could you answer? If its for me tell him you haven’t seen me and to stop knocking.” Donghyuck says slowly and quietly. A murmur.

Chenle looks a bit shocked but opens the door slowly so that no one can see the inside.

He can't see Yukhei but he hears his voice anxious.

“ Is Donghyuck here, can I come in?” He sounds desperate.

As Yukhei is about to come in, Chenle moves in front of him.

“Donghyuck isn’t here, and please stop knocking. I was about to fall asleep.” Chenle answers sharp like a dagger.

“Can I wait inside then?” Yukhei asks again, sounding more desperate.

“No, I wanna fall asleep and I don’t like having strangers in my room. Sorry, if you want to contact him just call him.” Chenle is ruthless, and he doesn’t wait for a response and just closes the door.

The sound of Yukhei walking away is echoing through the hallways, Donghyuck aches. His phone is by his side and he hasn’t picked it up since he's arrived at his door room lits up with a call from Yukhei. Best Bruv shines across the screen. He lets it ring and notices that he has twelve missed calls from Yukhei and 8 missed calls from each of the members of the rat pack. He scoffs, he knows where their real loyalty lies. He's known that the thread that holds him to that group is the fact that he’s friends with Yukhei, if it wasn’t that he probably wouldn’t be friends with them.

He looks up and Chenle is staring at him, the question of what’s wrong lingers on his face.

“did you guys break up?” Chenle asks as he turns the light on.

Donghyuck flushes red. “we aren’t dating.” He replies trying to stand up.

“you could have fooled me.” Chenle states as he starts getting his stuff to go and take a shower.

As he starts picking everything up and stands up suddenly and looks at Donghyuck.

“wanna go to the showers with me? I mean not with me _ me _ . But we can go together, you looked wrecked and showering after crying that much really helps with the headache.” He smiles encouragingly.

Donghyuck figures he can’t feel worse so he accepts Chenle’s invitation to shower and they walk beside each other shoulders brushing and he's glad Chenle isn’t asking anything but he wants to tell someone that isn’t enchanted by Yukhei so he can complain about what a selfish asshole he was during this whole situation.

They arrive at the community showers and since it's friday night and everyone seems to have a life of their own that doesn’t involve shadowing another person, he figures everyone in the dorm is out having fun before finals. It’s a bit creepy all white tiles and fluorescent lights. A blanket of humidity always seems to cover the showers even if no one is using it.

Donghyuck breaks the silence first.

“I bet you're wondering what all that was about.” He tries to make his voice sound funny like something John Mulany would blurt out, something in the middle of being self-deprecating and sarcastic.

“not really, everyone has breakdowns. At first I thought it was something school related, we’ve all been there, but then that guy showed up and then I thought oh they broke up which made more sense because who sobs like that-“ he stops and tries to rephrase himself. “I’ve only ever seen someone cry like that because of love, is all.” He starts taking out all of his stuff.

Donghyuck looks at him. Love, I mean yeah, he loves Yukhei they are best friends they love each other that’s the whole point. But somewhere deep inside him dark where feelings are created, he knows Chenle doesn’t mean that type of love.

“Hes my best friend, and he's moving to China in two weeks and he just told me.” Donghyuck almost thought he was going to cry again, saying those words aloud again. He almost didn’t believe it when Yukhei first told him but now hearing it come out of his mouth with his voice. He is suddenly aware of how real this whole situation is,

“how long has he known?” Chenle asks, taking all his stuff and hopping into the shower. He turns on the showerhead, the muffled noise filling in the whole room like television static.

“two months.” He starts getting ready for his shower. He enters and turns his showerhead on again, washing himself and he doesn’t feel like crying anymore. He doesn’t think he has enough tears left in him. “i'm probably dehydrated,” he says to himself and smiles. He hears Chenle turn off the showerhead and steps out of the shower. Donghyuck thinks he might leave but there’s a knock followed by Chenle saying hurry up. He's done rinsing himself and gets out of the shower towel wrapped around his waist, Chenle the same.

“So he's known for two months and he is leaving in two weeks and he just told you?” he resumes their conversation as he dries himself off.

Donghyuck musters up a weary smile and starts getting ready himself.

“what an asshole.” Chenle says and that makes Donghyuck feel a little less sad, it validated him. He does have a reason to be upset.

“Like I mean if this was me, the first person I would tell would be my best friend, by the way how long have you guys been best friends?”

“about eleven years.” He replies.

“eleven years.” Chenle sounds surprised.

“Man that’s fucked up, you guys have been friends for eleven years and he doesn’t tell you he's moving across the world until he officially has too.” Chenle keeps talking in an incredulous voice.

“but wait there's more.” Donghyuck says trying to sound like a show host. Chenle giggles.

“he told the friends he met for like a year here in college the moment he applied.”

“that’s cold blooded.” Donghyuck nods in agreement.

“and you're sure you guys are best friends? I don’t mean to sound rude but that doesn’t seem like something best friends do.”

“no you are right Chenle, that abso-fucken-lutly doesn’t seem like something bestfriends do.” An anger like a fire moving with precision fills him up.

They arrive back at the dorms and Donghyuck’s phone is still ringing, two more missed calls from Yukhei. God doesn’t he know he doesn’t want to talk to him. Take a hint man.

Donghyuck climbs onto his bed, finally feeling the exhaustion all at once. Chenle changed into clothes that can only be described as party clothes.

“I'm gonna go to party, wanna come?”

He gives him a smile but responds that he’s really tired and that he wants to call it a night. Chenle hums again. Before stepping out he turns to Donghyuck.

“want my advice?” Donghyuck nods. “don’t answer him, he's an asshole.”

Donghyuck chuckles at that and Chenle winks at him, he closes the door behind him turning the lights off. He is left alone and he wishes he could see the stars, wishes he can feel like he did yesterday, scared for the future and feelings exploding from the core of him like magma from a volcano. He has the feeling that he isn’t just upset about the things he's convinced himself he is, he knows there's something else, like an ominous presence. He knows what it is, on the tip of his tongue but sleep takes over him and he falls into an all consuming sleep, before continuing with that train of thought.

🌟

He wakes up head pounding. He turns to his night table, a bunch of knick knacks placed randomly, and in the middle all all that chaos, his phone, he grabs it and notices he now has 20 missed calls from Yukhei and about 80 text messages for him. It also seems like every member of the rat pack has messaged him something along the lines of, were sorry but please talk to Yukhei he's going crazy. Only Mark messaged him a “i'm sorry you had to find out 2 weeks before, I told him to tell you since he told me, he sucks for that.” He debates on whether to answer him so he just sends a :/. Mark comes online instantly.

**Mark** : I know ur angry at Yukhei I get it but he's feeling pretty down on the dumps, you should message him.

He ignores his text. Mark as always wants to be the peacemaker, he sighs. They just don’t get it do they. He puts his phone down and notices a convenient store bag. He looks onto Chenle’s bed to find him passed out and next to him a similar bag with similar contents he can’t help but laugh, he probably bought him some stuff half drunk.

He drinks water and instantly feels better. Of course, he hasn’t consumed anything since yesterday morning. He stretches out his limbs on his bed and get out of it. His feet hitting the cold ground he shivers. He really doesn’t feel like going out and maybe seeing Yukhei or any of the guys. He absentmindedly grabs the insides of the bag and he finds the most random assortment of things, some hot cheetos, reese's puffs and sour patch kids. He guesses these are things Chenle’s drunk mind gravitates too, he opens of the reeses and eats one. Food finally hitting his stomach, probably not the best thing to eat but he doesn’t care. He goes to his laptop and puts his mind to good use and starts doing homework.

That’s how he spends the weekend, only having Chenle going outside to buy them snacks. Their room is a mess and the only thing he's ate is vending machine food and snacks. His phone as always has been ringing all weekend. Mark apparently thinking he has the upper hand because apart from Yukhei hes the one that messages him most. He shouldn’t have answered him he thinks, but he for the most part hes on his side not dumb Yukhei.

If you ask him how he is dealing with the news he thinks he's doing quite well as a matter of fact. Yes he isn’t answering his best friend and is ignoring him, and yes he hasn’t gone out of his dorm room all weekend, and yeah the only person he has spoken to is his roommate who is not there half of the time, but hey! He hasn’t cried since Friday and he's been very productive getting a head start on finals. So yeah he's doing well… for the most part.

🌟

Monday comes around and he dreads it, he actually has to go outside for the first time in two days for classes. He can't just not go, well he could but he thinks he should deal with this head on. So at 8 in the morning he goes to his first class, thankfully he doesn’t have any class with Yukhei but he does have a class with Yuta and Jaehyun and god he doesn’t want to see them.

So he arrives late, taking a detour for some coffee and arrives 2 minutes into the lecture. He enters and as if Yuta and Jaehyun were waiting for him, they look straight at him giving him sympathetic smiles. Donghyuck is grateful he has a resting bitch face so he just glares at them and sits down as far away from them as he can. The lecture is as boring as ever but he puts all his efforts to concentrate and before he knows it the lecture ends. He gets up as fast as he can, so he doesn’t have to make small talk to them both but then he sees someone standing in the hallway.

God he forgot their loyalty lies with Yukhei not him and obviously they would message him that he made an appearance. Fuck, he didn’t take that into consideration. Anyone who sees him would probably message Yukhei, he cant believe how oblivious these people are, he doesn’t want to talk to him why the hell are they making it harder for him.

Before he can dodge away Yukhei notices him.

“Hyuckie” Yukhei says out loud.

Donghyuck walks faster at that.

Yukhei always the giant catches up to him and grabs his arm. 

“Hyuck, please.” He says softly looking at him with those puppy dog eyes.

Donghyuck wants to cry again, but he looks up at him.

“don’t ignore me.” Yukhei pleads.

“i'm not ignoring you, i'm just not talking to you.” Donghyuck states trying to get his arm out of Yukhei hold.

“How is that different?” Yukhei argues.

He guesses that there really isn’t any difference.

“look, i'm sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I just, I didn’t want this to happen-” he points at them both.”-I just wanted us to be like we have always been you know? Your my best friend and thinking about leaving you kills me but its something I have to do and I hope you understand that this is what’s best for me.” Hes looking at Donghyuck as if waiting for answer.

He just doesn’t get it does he, and at this point Donghyuck probably doesn’t get it either.

Donghyuck sighs.

“i'm leaving in two weeks and I don’t want you to be angry with me, that would break my heart.”

You already broke my heart, Donghyuck thinks.

He looks up at him again and smiles.

“okay, yeah your right im sorry, im still fucking angry at you that you didn’t tell me before but your right, you’re leaving in two weeks we shouldn’t be fighting.” Donghyuck says, giving him a smile.

Yukhei instantly glows and gives him a huge smile while enveloping him in a hug and realization hits him like a punch.

Damn.

He’s in love with Yukhei, that’s why this hurts so much. God hes so stupid of course hes in love with him. He cried as if he was mourning a loss, and he was to an extent the loss of Yukhei by his side, he cant believe Chenle knew before him.

He escapes the hug and Yukhei frowns.

“I, um, I have to get to class. Talk to you soon.” Donghyuck says leaving.

“answer my texts okay?” he hears as he leaves.

🌟

Donghyuck blinks away the tears as he walks fast towards the library. He lied to Yukhei because his next class is in three hours. He arrives and inside is full of people, he wanders aimlessly. Since its officially finals everything is filled to the brim. A bunch of overly stressed college students trying to get good grades and the stress hangs over them like a rain clouds just about to burst. His college library is filled with light and computers. He goes to the older section, where it smells of dust and leather. He sits down on an empty chair. He doesn’t have the mind to start doing any assignments only trying to figure out when this happened. When he fell in love with Yukhei.

Falling in love with his best friend. How original.

But he can't pinpoint the exact moment, as if one day he woke up with those feelings and just assumed that’s how friendship worked. He can't really say he has other friends that he can compare, but he doesn’t really feel this way about Mark, who he now considers officially his only friend in the rat pack.

“Hi, i'm Donghyuck and I'm in love with my best friend.” He thinks and laughs. Jesus. How typical.

“i'm in love with my best friend and he's leaving in 2 weeks to China.” He cries again, head covered by his arms. Leaning on the desk.

He leaves the library, not having done any workload and doesn’t feel he can muster up the energy to go to his next class of the day so he heads back to his dorm room. Hoping Chenle isn’t there. He is.

He sets his things down on his side of the room.

“I bought you some food.” Chenle tells him not looking up from his phone.

“thanks.”

“Hey guess what, i'm in love with my best friend.” Donghyuck blurts out next.

Chenle looks up at him, he fakes a surprised look, and his mouth does an o.

“really?” Chenle responds flabbergasted.

Donghyuck glares at him. 

“sorry, sorry.” Chenle laughs now. Donghyuck starts crying, and Chenle looks worried again. He walks up to him and rubs his back again.

“I know you think it's funny but I barely figured it out today.” Donghyuck says in between tears.

Chenle just consoles him, he's good at his Donghyuck thinks.

“so what are you gonna do now?” Chenle asks, still rubbing slow circles on his back.

“nothing, what am I supposed to do?”

“well you could tell him how you feel, maybe if he knows he wont leave.” Chenle tells him somewhat hopeful.

Donghyuck steps out of Chenle’s grasp. He looks at him incredulous. Is he dumb?

“tell him? You’re kidding right? It doesn’t matter if he knows or not. He doesn’t feel the same way, if he felt the same way he wouldn’t be leaving his whole life, he wouldn’t be leaving me.” Donghyuck starts off strong like thunder but ends up with an outline of a noise.

Chenle nods carefully at him.

“okay then.”

And that’s the end of that.

🌟

The two weeks he had left with Yukhei are a blur of finals and not enough sleep. The day he spoke with Chenle was the last day he actually had a moment to just stop and think about all of his emotions because the next day finals officially started and everything was havoc in his mind.

He did get to spend time with Yukhei for the most part, late night study sessions and tutoring him so that he could at least leave the school with a high. Nights spent without sleep, room filled with soft stars and purple light. Whenever Donghyuck could he would soak up these moments with him. He would pay close attention to the way Yukhei’s eyes scanned on the computer reading pdfs and the way his eyelashes would create spiderwebs on his face. The way he sometimes would whisper what he would read and nod as if the paper actually needed a response from him. Mostly he payed attention to how it felt having Yukhei next to him and how with any one touch electricity would fill him up like water to a balloon. How he felt next to him now knowing what he knows. He thinks of himself stupid for not figuring it out sooner.

After finals officially ended the date for when Yukhei had to leave drew closer and closer an invisible force dragging him away from Donghyuck. School was done for and they were both back home for break. Having met in third grade and being neighbors only a few houses separating them, their family grew close, and now without having no outside distractions. Donghyuck was moody and his parents noticed acting very soft whenever he was around. Carefully avoiding the subject or even whispering whenever talking about a day that wasn’t the present. He really carries his heart on his sleeve.

Donghyuck knew Yukhei was excited for his going away party his parents had planned it for him, it was to include the whole rat pack, some friends from high school, and Donghyuck. He spent the whole day with Yukhei helping him set up his backyard.

“Johnny asked if there was gonna be any booze.” Yukhei tells him as they are cleaning out his backyard.

Donghyuck raises an eyebrow. “is there?”

Yukhei laughs, filling the air with something soft.

“obviously not, my flight leaves in like 12 hours I can't be drunk at an airport.”

Donghyuck hums.

“speaking of airports, are you going to see me off?” Yukhei turns to him eyes expectant. Donghyuck has thought about this, and he feels that he has cried enough tears these 2 weeks and has no need to cry anymore, and him going to see off the person that he loves will definitely make him cry.

“I don't think I can.” Donghyuck starts Yukhei looks at him with something Donghyuck can only place as anger.

“okay” He says flatly.

“I mean I want to, obviously but-“ he gets cut off mid sentence by Yukhei. “its fine I get it.” He's thankful Yukhei has cut him off, he can't think of anything else to say apart from. I can't see you off because that would absolutely gut me and I'd then have to confess that I'm in love with you and have been for half of my life, and he absolutely cannot say that, of course he can't.

They finish under the summer sun, Yukhei looking as if he was the sun's favorite person, all tanned and beautiful. Donghyuck just keeps on starting. Yukhei notices and gives him a wink. Donghyuck blushes deep.

The party starts and everyone is there trying to get a piece of Yukhei for themselves before he leaves for god knows how long. Donghyuck is off to the side carrying small conversations with everyone when Mark comes.

“How you holding up?” Mark asked earnestly, eyes gleaming.

Donghyuck sighs, this is how everyone is going to approach him now isn’t it. 

He just lifts up his red cup “im holding.” He says, giving Mark a smirk. Mark smiles at that.

“if you ever need someone to talk too, i'm here. You know?” He says putting his hand on Donghyuck bicep when Yukhei comes along throwing his arm around Marks shoulders and smiles.

“Mark my man.” Yukhei starts bubbling with happiness.

Donghyuck smiles at them. He's focusing again on Yukhei the way he talks and his eyes just sparkle. Yukhei is such a puppy he can't stand it sometimes. He's lost in his train of thought and doesn’t notice he's left alone with only Yukhei.

“Hyuck, would you mind pulling an all nighter with me? the flight is really long and I plan on sleeping through it.” He asks Donghyuck with those sparkling puppy dog eyes.

God he is so in love with him isn’t he.

He gets on his tippy toes and puts his arm on Yukhei’s shoulder and brings him down to his level giving him a nuggie. “of course I will you dumby.”

Yukhei looks elated.

The rest of the party is just that, him looking at Yukhei surrounded by his loved ones, everyone trying to have a special time with him. During the party he hadn’t really had any time with him but it doesn’t matter since he's going to be staying all night with him.

It's around eleven when everyone starts giving him hugs and arguing over which time slot of Yukhei’s facetime schedule they are going to have. Donghyuck at this point is just leaning on the wall closest to the stairs so that when everyone leaves, he can run up to Yukhei’s room. Mark says goodbye to him and tells him his message still stands, and Yukhei looks curiously at them both.

It's twelve now and Yukhei has to leave at 4 to go to the airport. They are both lying down on his bed looking at the dimly lit star stickers and with a string of led lights of all the colors of the rainbow shining on them.

“i'm scared.” Yukhei says softly next to Donghyuck. He can't see Yukhei’s face but he knows it's a frown. Donghyuck grabs Yukhei’s hand in his and squeezes it. They don’t normally hold hands, growing out of that habit at the age of twelve but still gravitating towards holding hands whenever the situation demands it, and Donghyuck deems this situation appropriate.

“You’re gonna be okay.” Donghyuck responds like a prayer.

“everyone is gonna love you, your Yukhei, you can charm everyone.”

Yukhei laughs now, hands still intertwined.

“i'm gonna miss you the most.” He says turning to Donghyuck and cuddling him, hands thrown across his body, Yukhei’s nose on Donghyuck’s neck, snuggling closer. And so Donghyuck strokes with up and down motions the arm Yukhei has thrown over him.

He wants to say something, a confession forming on his lips. It stays buffering though, never quite establishing itself.

They stay like that for a while, Yukhei’s breath evening out as he falls asleep. Donghyuck laughs. He wanted to pull an all nighter, what a joke he thinks, smiling to himself. But he stays there still too afraid to break this moment.

He himself falls asleep, waking up to the scurrying of Yukhei getting ready.

“Oh hey you're up, I still have about 20 more minutes before I actually have to go so I didn’t want to wake you.” Yukhei says moving up and down his room.

Donghyuck blinks confused.

He watches him move all around like a butterfly not staying long enough in one place.

“need some help?” Donghyuck offers.

“please.” Yukhei says happily.

He helps Yukhei get everything ready and goes downstairs with him, the television is lit white noise overhead and Yukhei’s mom is making sandwiches for the drive to the airport so Yukhei doesn’t starve to death. He hears Yukhei’s dad scream a “ready?” which makes Yukhei scream a yes. Startling both Donghyuck and Yukhei’s mom.

“it's too early for your yelling, weirdo.” Donghyuck says grumpy.

“im sorry im just to excited.” Yukhei is almost jumping up and down like he's got a sugar rush. Yukhei’s dad comes down now. Grabbing the keys. Yukhei’s mom gives a sandwich to Yukhei which he eats in two bites and offers one to Donghyuck; he politely declines, so she gives it to Yukhei, who is more than happy to accept it.

The sky is a deep blue, the sun still not coming up. They load everything to the car. Yukhei’s dad starts up the car.

“your not coming with us?” Yukhei’s mom asks looking confused.

Before he can answer Yukhei butts in.

“no apparently he's too busy at the buttcrack of dawn to go see off his best friend.” Yukhei says in an annoyed voice and Yukhei’s mom looks at them both smiling and as she gets into the car.

This is it Donghyuck thinks, no more seeing Yukhei everyday, no more going to his house when he is bored, no more sleepless nights with laughter filling up the room, no more seeing the boy he's in love with no more Yukhei. Yukhei. Yukhei.

He promised himself he wouldn’t cry.

He looks up at Yukhei arms open and Yukhei has his arms open too and they hug. It's rough and Yukhei squeezes him a bit too tight but he doesn’t care. He wants to treasure this, he doesn’t know when he will be seeing him again. Tears form in his eyes but he blinks them away. Being jolted apart from Yukhei’s dad sounding the horn on the car.

“You better text me when you land, and don’t go making another best friend.” Donghyuck warns him, only half joking. And Yukhei smiles at him and nods. He gets into the car and leaves.

Donghyuck goes back home and cries.

🌟

He keeps looking up at the sky all pink and lovely. Waiting for Yukhei’s plane to pass by to try and eat it. He remembers he used to do that as a kid, and if you ate enough airplanes you can get a wish. Hopefully he can wish for a way to have Yukhei out of his heart.

He sees a plane across the sky white like a dove. He does eat it and cries. A part of him wished he could have gone and sawed him off , but knowing that if he did see him he would want to crawl up in his pocket and go with him. He would follow him until the ends of the world.

So as he eats the plane with tears in his eyes, and thinks of his wish. 'i wish to forget about Yukhei' which he knows is stupid, and that his life isn’t a fairytale, he also knows that even if he was in a fairytale a stupid wish wouldn’t be able to seize the love that he has for him, its in the root of him, in every fiber of is being he would have to stop being himself for that to happen. He continues to cry at that.

He sleeps in until noon, his mom and dad opening his bedroom door to check up on him once in a while.

“hey honey, how are you holding up?” his mom asked so gentle as if any rough words would shatter her son. The sky looks pink again and he wonders if Yukhei has already arrived. The horizon was painted bright by orange clouds. She brings him strawberries and cut up mango. Somewhat like an offering of peace.

He mumbles okay. 

She frowns at that. “Baby, I know you're sad, Yukhei is your best friend, but this is what's best for him you know?”

He can almost feel the tears welling up, she doesn't get it. Of course, he knows this is what's best for him, but it hurts that what's best for him had to take him away from his reach.

She kisses him on the forehead and tells her son to eat. He looks at the freshly cut fruit, heart torn open.

Several days pass like this, he turns on his tv for the first time in what seems like forever and sees twilight new moon is on, he used to laugh with Yukhei about how stupid these films are while loving to watch them on the dl. It was his guilty pleasure and so when the scene of a freshly dumped depressed bella looking outside as the seasons change while a camera slowly circles around her while possibility by lykke li plays softly in the background, for the first time after the millions of times he's watched this film he gets it, he gets her and he's almost angry at his younger self for laughing.

But he also has the spark that he had when he watched it because like hell if he's going to be a Bella Swan. It's been a couple of days since Yukhei has landed in China and he seems to be having a grand old time, while Donghyuck is out here wearing the same pajamas for three days.

“I will not be a Bella.” he says almost like a prayer.

So for the first time in days he gets up and washes himself up. Somewhat optimistic, it's one pm and even though the day is already halfway through he is going to make it count. He goes downstairs and his mom looks at him soft eyes filled with happiness seeing her son look decent. 

He has so many things he wants to do, like go eat a milkshake or drive aimlessly through town but his smile falters as he remembers these are all the things he used to do with him, and god he was so caught up on the fact that he has finally admitted to himself that he is in love with his best friend that he forgot he doesn't actually have any other friends that are his. By this he means that have no association with Yukhei and that bums him out. 

Like yeah he loves Yukhei he gets it, but why in the hell didn't he get more friends. He remembers his old thoughts being something like.. 'oh well why do i need more friends if Yukhei is enough' and damn does he want to punch his former self. 'For this exact reason you dumbass.' he thinks to himself slapping his forehead with his hand.

“Okay so i have no friends that have no connection to Yukhei. That's depressing.” He's in the kitchen now which is shining bright with white light from the sun. It's almost blinding, he's been in his room filled with purple darkness.

He decides to text the only person he knows has absolutely no connection to Yukhei, Chenle. He's gotta admit it, him and Chenle didn’t really hit it off instantly but he was there for him during his whole breakdown, or well his several breakdowns about Yukhei leaving, or better yet Yukhei leaving him.

So, he texts him.

**Hyuck:** Hello Mr. Chenle

**Chenle(roommate):** Hey Donghyuck how you holding up?

Donghyuck stares, he wants to move past this. Everyone acting like he's gonna break he can't be defined only by knowing Yukhei and subsequently having a breakdown about him leaving. He ignores this and goes straight to the point.

**Hyuck:** wanna hang out tonight?

**Chenle(roommate):** damn man I would but I'm back home.

Donhyuck sighs and realizes that not everyone moves to a college close to home.

**Hyuck:** that’s fineee: :))))), hope you have a good break.

Donghyuck almost throws his phone on the counter. Before he receives another message from Chenle.

**Chenle(roommate):** Wanna be roommates next semester?

He smiles at that, maybe he does have friends outside of Yukhei.

**Hyuck:** sure, i'd love that <3

**Chenle(roommate):** you sound as if im proposing to you xD

Donghyuck finds it unbelievable that someone in 2020 uses xD.

**Hyuck:** shut up asshole :P

**Chenle(roommate):** talk to soon babe :*

Donghyuck laughs at that.

🌟

He looks through his contact list, everyone there is somehow related to Yukhei, god is he pathetic. So he looks for his cousin Jungwoo, he can't go wrong with his family.

Jungwoo enters his house with so much gusto that Donghyuck almost wants to crawl back into bed. That’s Jungwoo for you, always energetic and down for a good time.

They are upstairs in Donghyuck room and he explains everything.

“you  _ just _ realized?” Jungwoo making an emphasis on the just.

Donghyuck throws him the finger.

Jungwoo laughs. “Duckie you would literally get so mad if I ever even just looked at Yukhei. Don’t you remember when you were twelve and I came over and me and Yukhei started playing Pokémon without you because you didn’t have a DS, you locked yourself up in your room and didn’t talk to me for the two days I stayed over. Of course, you forgave Yukhei in an instant.” Jungwoo says dripping with honey nostalgia.

Since age twelve huh.

“yeah, yeah cut me some slack how the hell was I supposed to know I was in love with him when I was twelve.” Donghyuck argues looking outside the window.

“okay, Ill give you a pass you were twelve, but what about all the years after that?” Jungwoo said eyebrow lifting.

Donghyuck just stares.

Jungwoo keeps laughing.

“Moving on then- “Jungwoo says, laughter subsiding. “what is it you want to do?”

“I want a makeover ala coming of age/ chick flick movies.” Donghyuck says unwavering.

Jungwoo looks unsure. “why?”

“because all of my life I’ve lived in Yukhei’s shadow, everything he liked I had to like, everything he did I had to do. I didn’t even like football but there I was every day at practice. Wherever he was I had to be. Like a puppy following its owner. I get that i'm in love but that's very pathetic of me.” He says running his hair over his fringe he needs to do something he’s feeling restless.

“plus, how am I supposed to forget about Yukhei if everything in my life somehow relates back to him, my clothes, the shows I see, the music I listen to, everything. I feel like I have no personality of my own.” He says sadly. It's true, he keeps thinking about things that he likes that Yukhei doesn’t and the only thing he can think of is twilight which came out like ten years ago.

“that’s not true, you have a different personality than Yukhei. For example, you’re a bitch and he isn’t.” Jungwoo says, smirking.

Donghyuck punches him in the bicep.

“im serious, those are just likes and dislikes. You don’t lack personality Duckie trust me, your bursting by the seams. But you don’t like change, and you hate putting yourself out there. It's comfortable with Yukhei because he did all the work for you. And now since he isn’t here you feel lost.” Jungwoo answers sincerely.

“i'll help you okay? You just have to promise me that you’ll try and put yourself out there, be more open minded and don’t stay in your comfort zone.” It comes out as warning.

“promise” Donghyuck answers with his whole heart.

“okay then, lets give you a makeover.” Jungwoo looks menacing.

🌟

The first thing Donghyuck does is get a piercing. He goes with Jungwoo because Jungwoo already has two and he was there convincing his aunt to let his cousin stick a needle through his skin. “it will close up eventually when he decides he doesn’t want to sport an earring, it's not that big of a deal.” Jungwoo argued to Donghyuck’s mom on his behalf. Jungwoo is very charming and so Donghyuck’s mom agreed on the condition that it’s the only thing he does and it's on his ears. Donghyuck and Jungwoo leave his house before his mom can even change her mind.

They arrive at a tattoo parlor, and Donghyuck shoots a look at Jungwoo.

“what? They do piercings here too Donghyuck.” He says annoyed.

“how do you know about this place anyway?” they both get out of the car. The tattoo parlor has a graffiti art, making it look not as menacing. A bright green sign  _ Neo City _ announcing the name of the place.

“a friend of mine works here.” Jungwoo is blushing.

“a friend huh?” Donghyuck teases.

The door opens to a very handsome man sporting dyed blond hair a bandana wrapped around his head. He has a piercing on his lip. Donghyuck thinks that his man isn’t handsome. This man is hot and he feels a blush creep on him.

“hey Jungwoo how’ve you been?” the man says his voice matching his face entirely.

“i've been good.” They are both staring at each other as if either one of them would pounce on the other if they had the chance. Donghyuck swallows loudly.

The man looks at him. “That's good,” he responds. “so, this is your cousin, right? He wants to pierce his ears?”

“yeah sorry, this is my cousin Donghyuck, Donghyuck this is Sicheng.” They both nod at each other.

Sicheng takes him to a chair and starts getting ready. The parlor is very cold, and he just assumes it because of all the stainless steel and the time they decided to go. Sicheng and Jungwoo continue to talk but Donghyuck is too busy trying not to freak out to pay attention to anything they are saying.

“So which earring do you want?” Sicheng asks him after going inside a different room to get the earrings.

He settles on a small hoop he thinks will make him look cool, he looks at Jungwoo for approval, he gives him a blink.

“okay so I’m going to tell you to take a deep breath, you take it and then this will be done in no time.” Sicheng assures him.

“want me to hold your hand Duckie?” Jungwoo says in a big brother voice. Donghyuck glares.

Sicheng is about to go in with the needle when Donghyuck blurts out. “yeah actually why don’t you hold my hand.” At Jungwoo, he smiles and goes to get Donghyuck’s hand. 

“ it's fine Duckie you can do this.” Jungwoo says on his left.

He breathes out due to Sicheng’s instruction. He hears a plop, his ear feels burning hot and then its done.

“I'm gonna give you some drops if you feel any discomfort or if he gets infected, try not to sleep on top of that ear and whenever you're in the shower get a bit of soap and wash the earring and try to move it okay?” Sicheng suggests and Donghyuck nods.

He's about to pay him when Sicheng tells him its okay, its on the house and as he goes towards the door, he hears Jungwoo asking him if they want to grab a couple of beers in two hours. Damn, does Jungwoo have game.

And after that his vacation goes by in a haze of him trying out different things, buying new clothes because Jungwoo said he had enough hoodies and sweatpants and he should at least have three decent pairs of denim jeans.

Getting a haircut and he actually styles his hair in somewhat of a comma hair due. Listening to music that isn’t on the top fifty on Spotify which is what he did with Yukhei and finds out he leans more toward alternative music, if Yukhei knew he would make fun of him, because already Donghyuck had emo tendencies he didn’t need to listen to sad emo music to actually be one. Watching films and shows that he wouldn’t have if he wasn’t trying to figure out what he liked and didn't like. Reading more, because he actually has free time now that Yukhei isn’t bugging him asking him to entertain him. He now has favorite things that are his own now and in no way influenced by Yukhei. His favorite film is still Twilight, he’s owning it now, but he also really likes Whiplash, favorite band might be a tie between The Strokes and Paramore, favorite show is Adventure time and favorite book might be Wuthering Heights if only he could stop comparing him and Yukhei to Cathy and Heathcliff because they aren’t bad people and the story isn’t a romantic one but when he read “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same'' his mind buffered for a moment and thought that’s exactly it isn’t it.

Him and Yukhei despite the constant promise of telling each other everything and facetiming once a week, don’t actually talk that much. And facetimes that were supposed to happen once a week started happening once every two weeks with messages here and there on Yukhei’s behalf where he shows him the city, his apartment and the new friends he has made. Donghyuck is sad obviously and since no one is asking so he won’t admit it a bit jealous. But school is coming up and this time he actually is going to enjoy is college experience.

He’s excited to see Chenle and the prospect of making new friends makes him giddy. Things are gonna be different, he assures himself.

🌟

His dad and mom help him bring up his things to his new dorm room, it’s still the same as his old one but now its in a different building. Closer to the classes he chose so he won't always have to be in a hurry all the time. His mom gives him a kiss and his dad a hug. They leave before Chenle arrives.

As he is sorting his stuff the door opens and it’s not Chenle its another guy with a bunch of boxes. He has black hair and a small face resembling a mouse, not much after Chenle comes barging in and Donghyuck gives him a smile. Chenle and him have actually been texting a lot over the break so he can’t wait to actually spend time with him IRL.

“how long have you been here?” Chenle asks, going closer to him for a hug. Donghyuck likes that, Chenle is as cuddly as Yukhei.

“not long, maybe 30 minutes.” He says after they finish hugging. Chenle hums.

“right yeah, this is my boyfriend Renjun.” Renjun looks up from his phone at the mention of his name and waves.

“Hey I’m Donghyuck.” He waves back.

“yeah Chenle’s told me about you, feeling okay?” he asks. Chenle looks embarrassed, of course Chenle’s boyfriend knows about the breakdowns he had. He’s never gonna be able to move past this is he? 

“I’m feeling great, can’t wait to start this new school semester.” He says overly enthusiastic, it comes out as fake, which isn’t as he wanted it to come out. 

Renjun gives him a big smile.

“okay babe, gotta go, see you tonight.” Renjun says getting up from where he was sitting giving Chenle a peck on the lips.

Donghyuck looks away.

“you look really good by the way; I like your haircut and I’m glad to see you in something else that isn’t sweatpants.” Chenle starts after Renjun closes the door.

“are you making a move on me Chenle?” he says joking.

“no you idiot, I’m just saying I like it. You look nice, you look happy.” Chenle says putting away his stuff.

“thanks, I’ve been good for the most part. I just want to get past this whole era of my life, well I don’t know if you can consider half of my life as an era but. I’m optimistic.” He continues.

“yes, that’s the spirit, plus you have me and I’m a hoot.” Chenle says putting his pointer finger and thumb on his chin.

“who even says hoot?”

“I do.” Chenle says proud at that fact.

They continue trying to organize their dorm room, Donghyuck doesn’t really have any opinions on anything in regards to decorating but Chenle sure as hell does.

“Now that we are officially friends, we can actually have a functioning dorm room without any dumb boarders dividing the room in two.” He says excited.

Their dorm room now has a kitchen space, a place where they can put items that the both of them can use, and a place where they both can put down their school supplies. Since Chenle is an arts major and Donghyuck almost slaps himself, of course Chenle is an arts major. He feels bad for not remembering and Chenle just tells him it’s okay they weren’t that close last semester.

Night fell upon them fast, since they were both so busy trying to make their room feel like home, Donghyuck knows It wont fully feel like home until a couple of weeks pass but Chenle is trying and that makes him happy.

🌟

“so I’m gonna go to this party, wanna come?” Chenle says getting dressed.

Donghyuck promised himself he would make the most of it, and school doesn’t start in a couple of days, so he doesn’t have any excuse.

“yeah sure,” Donghyuck responds. Chenle is overjoyed.

They get ready in a hurry because apparently Chenle always runs late, he likes getting to know him better, and they are supposed to meet up with Chenle’s friends so they can go together. They meet up outside the science building and Renjun is there smiling lovingly at Chenle and three people are behind him. Chenle smiles at them all.

“Everyone this is Donghyuck, Donghyuck this is Jisung, Jeno, and Jaemin.” He says starting left to right. They are all welcoming smiles.

They walk to the party and they make Donghyuck feel strangely comfortable, he is able to slide into the conversation easily and talk to all of them without stressing out unlike with the rat pack, he misses them though having left the group chat thinking that he wouldn’t be missed, Mark messaged him but Donghyuck can't really recall what lie he made up as to why he left the group chat, Yukhei didn’t even bother to bring it up.

They arrive at their destination Donghyuck still engrossed in the conversation with Jaemin about how good a certain film was when they enter the house. Heavy humidity fills the air due to the many bodies stuffed together dancing to the beat.

Noise and bright lights muddle his senses, he hasn’t been in a party since high school he almost forgot how annoying it was being sober in these situations. He follows Jaemin and Jeno to the kitchen to get something to drink.

Jeno drinks three shots of tequila. Jaemin makes himself a drink, and hands another one to Donghyuck he smiles. He really likes these guys.

“Want some?” Jeno says breath now smells of alcohol. He figures why not, and instead of giving him a shot he tells him to open his mouth and Jeno starts pouring it right into it. 

He almost chokes.

He taps Jeno’s arm and the heavy stream of liquor stops while Donghyuck gulps and it feels like gasoline down his throat. He feels red. Jeno laughs and Jaemin hands over the drink he had prepared for him and Donghyuck gulps it down fast wanting to get rid of that diesel like flavor he finishes it in a flash. That’s a lot of alcohol he just drank in the span of like thirty seconds. He’s gonna feel it soon. The haziness of it all, like his brain is being held or like the edges of his vision are always blurry.

“your really good at drinking.” Jeno says eyes like crescent moons. Donghyuck feeling it now. It was such a bad idea to drink with nothing but breakfast in his stomach. He thinks he might get poisoned, but he stops that train of thought and grabs both Jeno and Jaemin to the dance floor.

“let’s dance.” He says, his voice filled with a drunken edge.

In the middle of him closing his eyes and the drinks shaking inside of him he instantly feels drunk. He opens his eyes and focuses on Jaemin and Jeno who are now both grinding on one another and he feels sad he doesn’t have anyone to do that with, he considers joining them but decided not since they might be together, like as a couple.

So, he stops and looks around when he spots a familiar face.

Kun.

He doesn’t really think twice and goes right in front of him. Kun’s leaning against the wall drinks in hand when Donghyuck approaches him.

“Kun.” He says slurred, god he definitely is drunk. Kun looks happy to see him and gives him a hug.

“Donghyuck how are you? How are you feeling?.” His voice concerned, before Donghyuck can respond Kun continues.

“Have you talked to Yukhei? How are you both?”

Donghyuck doesn’t want to talk about Yukhei because he’s drunk, and he thinks he definitely might cry and he doesn’t want to do that. Not since it's been awhile since he’s cried over Yukhei and he just wants to feel wanted and dance with a guy he thinks is handsome, maybe even a kiss if he is lucky.

“I’ve been good.” He says trying to sound sober.

“Want to dance?” Donghyuck asks and not waiting for a response grabs Kun's hand and wraps it around his own. Kun doesn’t seem to mind and they are at the dance floor now. It’s filled with drunken bodies and he doesn’t know where Jeno and Jaemin are, so he stops and looks at Kun.

Kun is smiling at him and Donghyuck is trying to focus on him. They both start dancing facing each other but Donghyuck had enough of this child’s play so he turns around and closes the space between him and Kun and he starts grinding on him.

He hears a surprised noise from Kun, but he doesn’t push Donghyuck away; instead he just puts his hands on his hips and follows his lead. The music starts getting darker and slower. He can feel Kun’s breath on his neck and he puts his arms up so he can grab Kun’s neck and pull him closer, Donghyuck still very drunk starts kissing Kun’s cheek and at some point Kun closes the gap and starts kissing him fully on the mouth. Its open, sensual and filled with tongue. Donghyuck moves from the position he is in and is now directly Infront of him. They kiss again, this time more desperate, Donghyuck bites Kun’s lower lip and Kun moans. Kun opens his mouth more and suddenly Donghyuck feels out of breath and Kun removes his lips from him and goes straight for Donghyuck’s neck and he lets out a soft moan, something that comes from very deep within and Kun looks at him and smiles. They kiss again a little more softly this time and Donghyuck removes his lip from Kun’s and starts kissing Kun’s ear; he feels him shiver beneath his kisses. Kun puts his hand underneath Donghyuck shirts and his cold hands hit the hotness of his back when Donghyuck realizes what he is doing, suddenly very sober. He stops and Kun looks at him confused.

“I, I have to go.” Donghyuck says, softly pushing Kun away from him. He leaves the drunken crowd suddenly feeling like the world is closing in on him. He hears his name being called out from a distance.

He opens the door to the outside world, cold air hitting him hard. He gets out his phone and sends a message to Chenle telling him he felt a bit off and that he’s heading back to the dorm. 

He walks as fast as he can to the dorm room, he notices a lot of people on campus despite it being the first day and it being twelve at night. He arrives safety to the dorm stopping to get a sandwich from the vending machine so he won’t feel worse in the morning.

His dorm is exactly the way Chenle left it, he takes off his shoes and puts it on the rack. He doesn’t know why he stopped kissing Kun, he was a good kisser and was obviously enjoying it as much as he was. But something in the back of his mind made him feel weird. Like he was cheating or not being fair to him and Kun. Which is dumb, it’s just hooking up everyone does it. Everyone excluding him. He sighs.

He looks at his phone and sees a text message from Yukhei, he smiles and thinks that’s why. “I can’t kiss anyone because I’m in love with you. “ he mutters.

The text message is just a picture of what Yukhei is eating, some Chinese dish he can’t quite place. He ends up looking at all the messages they’ve had since Yukhei changed his number. It's just a bunch of photos, and can we reschedule facetime, along with some shitty memes and tiktok links they send one another.

Donghyuck really misses Yukhei. He wishes he didn’t.

🌟

He falls asleep quickly after that, still thinking of Yukhei. He dreams of him, instead of it being Kun’s face at the party its Yukhei. He wakes up yearning. He turns over to where Chenle is and its two heads instead of one, which means Renjun stayed over, he doesn’t mind. He quietly goes to the bathroom to take a shower. It's still early and no one is in the community showers, so he finishes quickly. He goes to the café and orders for himself, Chenle and Renjun. Three coffees and breakfast sandwiches. He heads back, Chenle and Renjun still sleeping soft snoring filling up the room.

His phone rings, its Yukhei. He hurries up and puts his earphones on and jumps quicky onto his bed. He pulls his bed cover over him and answers.

“Hey hyuck, how was your first day?” Yukhei says gleaming.

“it was good, im roommates with Chenle again.” Donghyuck stares at his phone, trying to make out the background of where Yukhei is. He looks as handsome as ever, wearing a black shirt and a jean jacket.

“didn’t know you guys were such close friends, I thought you didn’t like him.” Yukhei questions.

“You know me, I'm always judging people too quickly. He’s nice, he reminds me of you.” Donghyuck states putting the mic from his earphones closer to his mouth.

“well if he reminds you of me, he must be a topnotch guy.” Yukhei smiles at that.

“yeah he reminds me of you because of how annoying he can get.” Donghyuck retaliates joking.

Yukhei laughs all powerful and beautiful, there I go yearning again, Donghyuck thinks.

“guess what happened?” Yukhei says walking outside Donghyuck can make out a sparkling river and green grass.

“what?”

“Kun messaged me a couple of hours ago asking me for your number.” He says looking directly at Donghyuck but since he’s all covered up the only thing lighting him up is Yukhei’s own light.

“and I was making mental calculations and he texted me at like 1 am your time.” Yukhei continues his hand messing up his hair.

“ I wonder why.” He looks seriously at Donghyuck waiting for him to answer. He feels guilty all of a sudden, he doesn’t want to tell him that they made out and he ran from him, Kun probably feels bad and wants to apologize. His heart skips a beat and he wonders why he can’t just like Kun instead.

He decides to tell him only half the truth. “Yeah, I saw him yesterday at a party. Chenle invited me to one and he was there, and we talked for a bit. He probably just wants to keep in touch.” Yukhei doesn’t really look convinced at the answer and just nods.

“I told him he had to ask you personally, it's not my place to be giving out my best friends number.” Yukhei says seriously, a hint of protectiveness in his eyes.

Donghyuck laughs.

“Jesus, Yukhei he was just asking for my phone number it’s not like he was asking you for something else.” Donghyuck says laughing he can hear Chenle or Renjun move.

“in any case ill give it to him myself when I see him.”

Yukhei looks stiff.

“talk to me about you, how's life treating you?” Donghyuck asks eyes filled with curiosity.

“it's been going good, i've made a lot of friends that you'll love, they remind me of the rat pack. Schools going well, they have a great baseball field and football field all top tech!” He starts and they stay like that talking about nothing and everything at once like they did before Yukhei left.

“I need to go to class.” Yukhei says in a sad voice.

Every time things start feeling back to normal, his heart has to break all over again.

“Okay.” Donghyuck responds.

“Talk to you soon, love you.” Yukhei says but Donghyuck doesn’t respond. His screen only says that  _ best bruv  _ has disconnected. He takes off the covers and Chenle is awake grabbing the coffee and food Donghyuck brought him.

“talking to your best friend?” Chenle asks. “No wonder you’re in a good mood.” Mouth filled with breakfast sandwiches and Donghyuck throws him the finger. Chenle laughs and climbs back into bed while Renjun changes positions.

🌟

College life slowly started back, classes have been getting a bit harder and now he actually does have to choose a major and for Donghyuck’s life he can’t really think of anything. His talks with Yukhei continue dwindling instead of once every two weeks. It's once every month, but life is hectic, and he can’t really sit down and wallow about that fact that him and Yukhei seem to be growing apart.

One day when Chenle isn’t at the dorm so he grabs his headphones and puts on the song his been listening to nonstop to fold and put away his freshly washed laundry. then he starts singing the song whole heartedly. Donghyuck has always liked singing, and he goes at it. Having won a talent show in first grade but never really doing much about it, only singing when he's alone. He doesn’t notice when Chenle walks in.

The song ends and he turns arounds feeling eyes on him and Chenle looks at him with a surprised face.

“You have such a great voice Duckie.” Chenle had started calling him with the same nickname Jungwoo did, he didn’t mind.

“Thank you, and I know.” Donghyuck replies, out of all of the things he’s confident in, his voice is on the top of that.

“you know that i'm in a band right “Chenle starts. Yes, Donghyuck knew he was in a band, it was called Banana Bread he had laughed at the name.

“it’s the only thing you talk about.” Donghyuck states finishing putting his laundry away.

“Well duh! It's so cool, I'm like in a real band, not a cover band, a band that actually makes their own songs.” Chenle said confidently.

“anyway, we don’t have a lead singer. It used to be Renjun, but he said he liked being our manager, so we are back to square root one because you can't really have a band without a singer.” What was Chenle insinuating?

“okay.”

“Why don’t you join banana bread and be the vocalist?” Chenle said excitedly he was now right in front of Donghyuck eyes eager.

“I don’t know, I haven’t sung Infront of a crowd since first grade.” Donghyuck started he had really enjoyed it though, they way everyone looked at him stunned a time before Yukhei. Funny that, how he thinks of his life, before Yukhei, after Yukhei.

Chenle still looked at him for an answer.

“okay.” Donghyuck said having his arms pulled because now Chenle was jumping up and down.

“Great, I’m so excited, you still have to audition though.”

“What do you mean audition I thought you liked my voice.” Donghyuck asked.

“i do! But I’m not the only one in the band, don’t worry, they're gonna love you. We just have to audition you first, no big deal.” Chenle answered being nonchalant.

Donghyuck huffed annoyed.

“Don’t worry about it, audition is at 8, don’t be late. Hey that rhymed.” Chenle said pleased with himself.

🌟 

He arrived at a frat house along the east side of campus, he hadn’t really been to were the frat houses were having hated the tradition, he texted Chenle he was there , a couple of minutes passed and by the side of the house Chenle came with a hop to his step.

“I didn’t know you knew people in a frat.” Donghyuck said looking around, the house was big and filled with windows covered up by newspaper.

“I don’t, they just let us use their basement for band practice.” Chenle said walking towards a door that Donghyuck assumed led them to the basement. Low and Behold he was right. It was filled with fairy lights of all colors and some posters, it reminded him of the place Lindsay Lohan’s band would practice in freaky friday, he liked that.

As him and Chenle became more close and hung out together the conversations of him and his band would always be something along the lines of how everyone would get angry at him for always arriving late, and how they always wanted to kick him out, but Chenle said they couldn’t because A it was his band and B everyone loved him despite the fact that he was always late.

Banana Bread consisted of Chenle who was on the guitar, Jeno who was on bass, Jaemin who was on Keyboard and Jisung who was in charge of the Drums. Renjun as stated was the manager.

He had grown close to them over the past few weeks. It was easy they all enjoyed his constant sarcastic remarks and overly dramatic nature, he did have to try for them because they liked him regardless. The mood though felt weird.

Renjun spoke first.

“I know we are all friends, but right now we aren’t friends.” Renjun said voice stern, manager like.

“okay, but after this will we still be friends?” Donghyuck said teasing.

Renjun looked at him. “yeah, just not right now.” He responded, still not getting Donghyuck’s joke.

“but we will be after this.” Donghyuck continued. Jeno let out a laugh.

“yes, Donghyuck we will still be friends just not right now, we can’t just have you be the main singer because you’re our friend we need to be objective.”

“you called me Donghyuck and not Duckie like you always do.” Donghyuck said fake pouting.

Renjun looked at him incredulously.

From the corner of his eye he could see both Chenle and Jeno barely holding in their laughter and Jisung smiling at him.

“look at him Renjun, you made him sad.” Jaemin said, continuing with the banter.

Renjun did look at him with concern and was almost about to say sorry when Donghyuck cut in.

“its okay Jaemin, me and him aren’t friends at the moment.” He said still teasing on and everyone laughed except Renjun.

“babe you could have just said we would be objective, you didn’t have to say all that.” Chenle walked towards Renjun and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Okay Duckie show us what you got.” He said turning his focus on Chenle and handed him a mike.

He sang decode by Paramore because he knew they all liked twilight just as much as him and let’s face it one of the best things of twilight was the soundtrack. Chenle started playing the guitar helping him out.

They all looked surprised when he finished singing, Donghyuck felt proud of himself.

“wow, we didn’t know you had such a great voice, why didn’t you tell us?” Jisung spoke smiling at him.

“I don’t know, I don’t normally tell everyone I can sing.” Donghyuck retaliated.

“am I in the band?” Donghyuck asked nervously.

“of course, Duckie.” Renjun said.

“so we are friends again?” he looked at Renjun smiling. Everyone laughed.

And that’s how Donghyuck joined a band.

🌟

If you asked Donghyuck what life would be like in a band, he would say his life was still the same, but that would be a lie. Life was somewhat different, he had to go to practice and sing for hours on end, mostly song that the other members wrote. He now had two things he had to do: band practice and school. So his life was pretty hectic.

Donghyuck didn’t really tell anyone he was in Banana Bread not because he didn’t enjoy the attention he would get when people knew he was in a band, it was mostly because he hadn’t told Yukhei yet, he was just busy. They both were. The last video call they had shared Yukhei seemed pretty upset at him, saying that he never had time for him anymore, and what was he doing that kept him busy all time, but Donghyuck had retaliated saying whenever he wasn’t busy Yukhei always was. They spoke for an hour before Yukhei said rather angry that he had to go.

They haven’t spoken since.

When that phone call ended Donghyuck had also been furious pacing around his dorm room when Chenle came in and asked what the issue was. Donghyuck explained and Chenle said he should write about it.

“what? Like a song?” Donghyuck said, looking at the seriousness in Chenle’s stare.

“Yes, that’s what I do whenever I feel restless, it doesn’t matter how I’m feeling, writing just makes it better. Songs written due to powerful emotions always come out better.” Chenle grabbed his phone charger and his backpack.

“i'm gonna stay over at Renjun since his roommate isn’t there,” Chenle gave him a wink. “Don’t miss me to much Duckie.” He said leaving the room.

And so Donghyuck started writing. 

_ I could've made you mine _

_ But no, it wasn't meant to be and see, I wasn't made for you _

_ And you weren't made for me _

_ Though it seemed so easy _

He continued writing.

_ But won't you wait _

_ You know it's too late _

_ I'm on my own shit now _

_ Let me tell you how it feels to be fucking great _

_ I feel great _

He finished with:

_ I say that I'm happy _

_ I say that I'm happy _

_ But no, no, no, no _

_ No, no, no, oh I still wanna be your favorite boy _

_ I wanna be the one _

_ I might just be the one _

And that’s the story on how Donghyuck wrote his first. The next band practice he sang it Infront of the guys and they all joined in with their instruments.

“wow, Duckie who knew you had it in you, great vocalist and writer.” Jeno said putting his hand on his shoulder and squeezing it.

“So what do you wanna name it?” Jaemin asked.

“Best Friend.”

Chenle laughed. “of course.”

They arrived late at night to their dorm room, silver moonlight creeping in onto the space.

“I really meant it you know?” Chenle said suddenly.

Donghyuck tilted his head like a confused puppy.

“writing. It helps, and you obviously have a lot of feelings in you, that you can’t express otherwise. You're good at it, try writing more.” Chenle said softly.

“ I will.” Donghyuck did enjoy writing; he felt the way all his anger disappeared the moment he started writing.

So now apart from band practices he had songwriting sessions with the boys. He liked how effortless it was to be friends with them, and how he just seemed to fit. No one is asking but if they did, he would say that he already loved them, and couldn’t imagine his life without them.

🌟

They are at a café waiting for their drinks, while Jisung studies some biology thing, and Jaemin is writing a paper while he, Chenle and Jeno are talking about what songs they should put in their EP while Renjun comes in a rush.

“Guess what.” He says almost screaming.

“I got you guys a gig.”

Chenle went up and kissed him square on the face, it wasn’t the peck type it was all opened mouth and filled with tongue. He took a step back and smiled at him while Renjun looked dazed.

“gross.” Jisung said.

“good job, babe.” Chenle said sitting back down.

He still looked dazed but then he continued.

“Yeah I was at this used book store and heard a guy saying that he needed a band to play at his place, and I was like hey dude I totally know a band, and he was like you know a band? And I was like yeah I totally know a band. And he was like cool, are they any good? So I played him one of your songs and he loved it so you guys are playing at The Rockit on Friday.” Renjun said proud of himself.

“The Rockit? That place is a dumpster.” Jaemin said not looking up from his laptop.

“We are playing on Friday?” Chenle looked anxious. “ that’s not enough time to practice, we’ve never played live before what if we suck?” Chenle started talking more faster as if he was on the verge of a panic attack when Donghyuck heard the cafes bell ring because they were opening the door he turned and saw Mark coming inside with Jaehyun and Johnny. They didn’t look any different still walking as if they owned the place. Donghyuck didn’t want them to see him but Mark looked straight at him and gave him a smile.

“Hey Donghyuck, how’ve you’ve been?” he said loud enough for all of the café to hear him. The boys looked at him and Mark was curious. Chenle’s breakdown even stopped.

“Hey Mark, Jaehyun, Johnny.” He said as the three of them came closer to where he was sitting.

“looking good man, you aren’t taking any of our classes anymore why?” Johnny said while holding his hand out to high five him.

“right, I’ve been checking new classes to see which one can help me out choosing a major.” Donghyuck said as Jaehyun sat down next to Jeno. That was an excuse because he didn’t want to be in any classes with any of Yukhei’s.

“cool.” Johnny replies.

“right, um these guys are my friends, Chenle, Renjun, Jisung, Jeno and Jaemin.” They all look up at the sound of their names and smile.

Mark, Jaehyun and Johnny introduce themselves. They start talking to each other when Mark comes next to Donghyuck,

“We miss you in the group chat.” Mark says shoulders brushing on Donghyuck.

“I doubt it, I didn’t even talk to you guys.” He smiles thanking Mark.

“still, we miss you.” Mark continues, Donghyuck laughs. Donghyuck knows it's not true, the main reason he was friends with them was because of Yukhei.

Jeno who was speaking to Jaehyun turns to them all and says.

“we have a gig on Friday at The Rockit wanna go?” he says excited he looks over at Donghyuck and continues. “Donghyuck the singer.” Johnny, Jaehyun and Mark look at Donghyuck surprised.

Jaehyun speaks first. “your full of surprises Hyuck, first we see you in something else that isn’t sweats, you’ve got a piercing, you’re actually styling your hair and now you sing.”

“What guy can’t change?” Donghyuck remarks.

“No, that’s not it. You look good Hyuck.” Johnny jumps in.

Donghyuck only hums.

“Apparently it’s this big ol secret” Jeno responds to Jaehyun.

“it's not a secret, I just didn’t have a reason to tell anyone.” Donghyuck remarks.

“HA, that’s exactly what a secret is.” Jaehyun says.

Mark shuffles quietly next to Donghyuck.

“you haven’t spoken to Yukhei right?” Mark asks him.

“no, not recently.”

“that makes sense.” Mark says to himself.

“why?”

“No reason, anyway we have to leave. We will totally see you on Friday and good luck.” He says standing up, Both Jaehyun and Johnny follow. Johnny says loudly as he goes closer to the door. “we wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“I like your friends.” Jisung comments.

“they aren’t my friends, they are Yukhei’s.” Donghyuck states, at this point everyone knows Donghyuck’s feeling towards his best friend.

“They can be both.” Jaemin offers.

Donghyuck doesn’t respond.

🌟

They have a week to practice for the gig at The Rockit which becomes the most intense week of his life, both Renjun and Chenle have packed schedules for them, practice takes four hours each day, practicing all their songs until they figure out a good set, they choose three of his original songs, a Chenle original and a song everyone knows for the finale, five songs is a good track list.

Thursday being their day off because they don’t want to overwhelm themselves which is good because by Wednesday Donghyuck starts feeling an edge to his voice and he doesn’t want it to affect him.

Friday morning is a haze of Chenle getting nervous and telling him to try out these outfits. “we wanna look hot, but also not like we are trying too hard.” Chenle says throwing him some clothes.

“yes, because leather pants scream we are totally not trying too hard.” Donghyuck says looking at the pants.

“leather pants are hot, and you’re the singer. Everyone is going to be looking at you, so you actually do have to look hot and it has to look like you are trying.” Chenle argues.

“that’s not true, a lot of main singers are casual about what they wear.” Donghyuck continues.

Chenle looks defeated. “please,” He says.

Donghyuck looks at Chenle who looks like his almost on the verge of tears.

Donghyuck sighs. “okay, only because I love you.” Chenle looks happy at that response.

“thank you, Duckie, go on try it then.” So Donghyuck obliges, he throws on the leather pants, puts on the random shirt Chenle gave him and some vans. He turns so Chenle can look at him

“how do I look?” He says arms apart so Chenle can really have a look at him.

“you look hot, I mean really hot Duckie, if I wasn’t in love with Renjun, and you weren’t kinda like my best friend and roommate, and if you also weren’t like super in love with your best friend I would totally bang you.” Donghyuck laughs at that and hugs Chenle.

“you know what lele, you're also kinda like my best friend too.” Chenle hugs him tighter.

“please don’t call me lele.” Chenle says and they both break the hug laughing.

The owner of The Rockit, some guy named Lee Taemin was nice enough to offer them his van so they could put all the equipment in there. They ride in the van all huddled up with the equipment while Renjun and Taemin talk in front.

“So you’re their manager right?” Taemin speaks over the humming of the radio. It’s a summer night and people are outside.

“yes, sir.” Renjun responds.

“that’s like so cool dude, i'll give you some pointers. Always have their best interest in heart, and buy a van my guy!” Taemin says happily.

They all laugh at that.

They arrive at The Rockit and even though Taemin is a good guy the place quite literally is a dumpster. Not a lot of people are there yet and it's all dingy and it smells kinda damp. They follow Taemin backstage and they all start setting up the equipment. It's barely six and they start playing at eight.

As the clock starts more people start coming up and Chenle looks anxious, Jeno and Jisung look okay for the most part nervously pacing around the room and Jaemin is making sure everything is up to code with Renjun. It has really hit Donghyuck that he’s gonna be singing live in front of people, and when Renjun says its almost ten minutes for showtime he gets just as anxious as Chenle.

Five minutes left, Renjun says, coming in looking at how anxious Chenle and Donghyuck look he decides to make the speech.

“Listen up.” He shouts making all of them look at him. “you guys are great; you guys look hot and the crowd is gonna love you. I was on stage just now and if it’s any consolation its really hard to look at the crowd due to the lights. Unless they are upstairs which in that case you can see them, where was I going with this. Right! Don’t worry you guys are gonna be awesome. I love you Chenle please stop freaking out.”- he says interrupting his speech, he wants to continue when they hear Taemin on the stage starting to introduce them.

“Hello everyone, thanks for being here at The Rockit, please drink we need the money, also playing for us for the first time ever is a local band Banana Bread.”

The crowd shouts and they are pushed on to stage by Renjun. Donghyuck almost stumbles but gives a smile out, Renjun is an asshole you can totally see the crowd from here. Taemin smiles at him giving him the mike. Right, he’s the main singer and he's somewhat in charge of this. He doesn’t really know what to say so when he’s about to speak Jaemin interrupts him.

“Hello The Rockit, we are Banana Bread.” He says with enthusiasm.

Jisung shouts “one, two, three” banging his drumsticks in-between each word.

The familiar pound of Jisung’s drum plays and Donghyuck instantly knows the song. He starts singing.

_ And if I take you to a movie _

_ Things might get groovy _

_ Oh but don't start thinking you can fool me _

_ Yeah I know you like the freckles on my face _

They finish the song with a roar from the crowd and Donghyuck instantly feels more comfortable. He looks around to the guys and they are all smiling. Donghyuck is really enjoying himself. The next song starts with Chenle’s guitar. It's one of many songs he has written about Yukhei.

_ It seems so long, it seems so long _

_ The moments that stay, they turn out all wrong _

_ When I look around, you're gone _

The chorus of oh, oh, oh’s starts and he's jumping and dancing around the stage. Damn he can really get used to it.

_ I can still see you at the place out there when I close my eyes _

_ Do you remember when we felt like the only two alive? _

_ Don't let me be one of the people at sea, get lost, nomads _

_ Would you rewind, do it all over again? Give it a chance _

He looks up to the balcony and sees the rat pack and smiles because he didn’t really think they would show up, and it's all eight of them.

He continues to sing and the crowd can’t seem to get enough, but his mind is still on the number eight.

The next song is another Yukhei special, but this one feels different from the rest. He had written it after he had told the guys about his feelings for his best friend, they were all sad smiles and reassuring hugs. This one starts with Jeno’s base.

Eight, eight, eight. He keeps on thinking about that number, without Yukhei they are supposed to be seven who else is there. That’s when he realizes the extra head he has been counting is Yukhei himself. He looks stunned, Yukhei is right there jamming to Jeno’s bass waiting for Donghyuck to sing, they lock eyes and Donghyuck starts singing.

_ I feel close _

_ Well maybe I'm not, heaven knows _

_ It's a spotlight stuck on the ceiling _

_ Why are these the things that I'm feeling? _

_ There's so much time _

_ For me to speak up, but I keep quiet _

_ I'll complicate the most of the mantra _

_ The power is out and I can't turn the fan on _

Donghyuck is almost afraid Yukhei might know that this song is for him, everything that Donghyuck does is always for him, but he continues because he loves the way Yukhei is dancing and his eyes are now closed.

_ Voice so low _

_ Sneaking around, so it goes _

_ I always try my best to listen _

_ Picking up things that I can fidget _

_ Circle speed, pacing around, watching my feet _

_ Batteries drain, I get the memo _

_ I think that I might have to let you go _

Yukhei’s eyes dart open and they are staring at each other again.

_ So can I call you tonight? _

_ I'm trying to make up my mind _

_ Just how I feel _

_ Could you tell me what's real? _

_ I hear your voice on the phone _

_ Now I'm no longer alone _

_ Just how I feel _

_ Could you tell me what's real anymore? _

_ 'Cause I wouldn't know _

_ Don't go, don't go so easy _

_ Don't go, don't go and leave me. _

The last part feels like a confession. The song ends, the crowd roars, Yukhei smiles at him and that’s all that really matters. That he is here.

After the realization that Yukhei is there time moves faster. He wants to see him, hug him and tell him how much he’s missed him. Their setlist ends and they all hug each other happy for this opportunity. They go backstage and he grabs Chenle in for a big hug and in between that he tells him that Yukhei is there. Chenle looks stunned.

“He’s here?” Chenle says surprised.

“yeah.” Donghyuck says out of breath.

“did you know?” Chenle continues.

“no, I had no idea we haven’t spoken in like two months.” He was sad about that, but after their fight neither of them budged in talking to one another, and just like that two months had passed fast due to school and the band.

“okay, we’ll go with you.” He turns and tells the guys.

“Donghyuck’s best friend is here, the one that he’s in love with and we need to go with him for support okay? Let’s move it people.” Chenle says loud and all of the guys agree. They head towards the balcony.

Donghyuck feels all fluttery inside, after six months he can’t believe he’s gonna see him. As they go down to the pit, people come on congratulating them telling them how good of a band they are, Donghyuck feels really happy tonight.

They walk up the stairs and he already sees the rat pack, they move out of the way and in the far end close to the balcony he sees Yukhei turn to him and everything is slow and hazy and he feels like he is in a dream, as if he continues staring Yukhei’s face might morph into someone else, the only thing assuring him that that wont happen is Chenle’s grip on his arm and the way the guys keep petting him.

Yukhei smiles at him and his heart does a cartwheel.

He removes his arm from Chenle and goes straight into Yukhei for a hug. He snuggles more into him head resting on his chest, and Yukhei pushes him closer. His senses muddled by Yukhei, like when your away from home for to long and when you return everything feels right in the world. He feels right, he feels like home, and his heart is happy happy happy.

“hey.” Yukhei says softly into Donghyuck’s ear.

Donghyuck squeezes him. They stay like this for awhile, Donghyuck afraid that if he lets go of him he might disappear.

When they finally do release, Chenle looks at him knowingly. He introduces them all, and it’s a fit of laughter and love. Yukhei’s arm never quite leaves Yukhei’s shoulder. Mark comes up to him.

“You were great on stage, Hyuck, it's like you were born for this.” Mark says leaning in. Donghyuck blushes.

“thanks Mark, I really did enjoy it.” He says happy.

Yukhei rubs his shoulder and he looks up, Yukhei is staring at him with a huge grin and Donghyuck wonders what it would feel like to kiss him. What it would be like to not have a care in the world and just go for it. Kiss the person that he loves most. He shakes his head and removes himself from Yukhei, and goes to Chenle who is busy talking to Yuta.

“lets go buy some drinks.” He tells him and Chenle only nods. They make it down to where the bar part of The Rockit is, and Taemin is there with some other dude as he approaches Taemin smiles at them.

“you guys, we're great, everyone is asking me if you guys have an EP or something. See there was no reason to worry, go on have it's, it's on the house.” Taemin tells them with glee, he gives them six shot glasses, three for him and three for Chenle.

Chenle isn’t really a drinker and Donghyuck is happy to drink all of the shots when he's about to drink the fourth when Yukhei takes the rest away from him, where did he come from?

“hey.” Donghyuck says annoyed.

“I think that’s enough.” Yukhei tells him.

“Yukhei, I know what i'm doing.” Donghyuck hates when Yukhei does this. It took them a whole two hours before they’re at it.

“you could have told me you were coming down here, I would have come with you.” Yukhei remarks. Donghyuck knows Yukhei doesn’t drink.

“you don’t drink.” He responded.

“Chenle isn’t drinking either but you asked him.” Yukhei sounds, jealous?

“yeah, because Chenle is my best friend.” He looks over at him and Chenle looks uncomfortable, did he really just say that. He turns and Yukhei looks hurt.

“oh, so you have a new best friend.” Yukhei definitely sounds jealous.

“ I can have more than one best friend you know?” Donghyuck slurs out, drinks starting to hit him.

“right, obviously. What else is new with you? Apart from the fact that you’re in a band now, have a whole new set of friends you’ve never told me about and the fact that Johnny told me you aren’t talking the classes you used to, come on tell me.” Donghyuck has a feeling Yukhei has been holding that all in since they first saw each other.

“you don’t tell me anything anymore, how am I supposed to be your best friend?” Yukhei says

“You're one to talk, you never tell me anything.” Donghyuck says drunken finger pointing at Yukhei.

“Donghyuck it's been six months since I left I can't believe you're still angry at me for that.” Yukhei says angry himself.

“I will always be angry about that Yukhei, I'm your best friend and you didn’t even have the balls to tell me you were applying to some place else only to tell me two weeks before you’re supposed to leave? Wow what a great best friend I have.” Donghyuck is drunk and has no filter.

He grabs Chenle’s arm. “let’s go.” He tells him.

They go outside. Donghyuck starts to cry. Chenle hugs him.

“he’s such an asshole, I was so happy to see him, and he just does this.” Donghyuck says drunkenly, moving his hands. They are in an alleyway and Chenle just nods.

“I wanna go home, but my home is here and he's angry at me.” He points to the building.

Chenle smiles fondly at him and then he notices Renjun.

“the guys told me they were gonna fight, Yukhei is with them and he looks pretty sad.” He tells Donghyuck.

“good.” Donghyuck says in a huff.

“we don’t have classes on Monday, wanna go back to your house?” Chenle says concerned at Donghyuck. Donghyuck nods, and so they all get into an uber and they go to Donghyuck’s house. He asks them if they wanna stay over but they only state they wanted to make sure Donghyuck got to his house uninjured. They leave and somehow Donghyuck finds his way to his room.

He leaves a voice message to Yukhei.

“ and another thing, you didn’t even tell me you we’re coming, so that’s like ten more things you didn’t tell me, and all those things I didn’t tell you were because you never brought them up, and yeah so don’t act like victim here mister Yukhei, we are both the victims, the victims of each other.”

He falls asleep after that voice message.

🌟

His mom comes in while Donghyuck starts waking up. His bed feeling oddly unfamiliar, this normally happens when he hasn’t been home for a while.

“I thought you would have slept over at Yukhei’s place” His mom questions, Donghyuck groans.

And startles awake. “You thought wrong.” Donghyuck replies.

“ah! I love it when my son wakes up on the wrong side of the bed.” She says closing the door.

He walks downstairs, his mom busy making breakfast, and his dad no where in sight. He sits down waiting for his mom to finish, his head is pounding, great.

“you do know that Yukhei is here right?” she questions setting down the plate.

“yes mom I know.”

“so why aren’t you there?” she continues.

“we got into a fight.” He says annoyed.

She just nods.

“Do we have anything for headaches?” he says, putting down his fork not being able to eat due to his head.

“in the drawer next to the fridge” she responds and Donghyuck goes and looks for it, his eye catching a picture on top of the fridge of both Yukhei and him at the waterpark, he smiles. He really did forgive Yukhei but he was the first one to start the fight.

He sits down again, eating a quiet breakfast with his mom.

He goes up stairs for his phone and replays the audio message he sent Yukhei, not really remembering what he had muttered and he's actually glad he didn’t say anything about being in love with him. He knows they can't always stay mad at each other, so he goes and takes a shower, the only clothes he has are his old sweatpants and he doesn’t really have the things for his hair here since it's all still in college. He looks in the mirror and looks exactly as he did before Yukhei left. He doesn’t like it,

He walks over to Yukhei’s house, it's the first time in a long time since he's walked this path and he's reminiscing about all the things they used to do. He arrives at his destination, having Yukhei’s mom open the door and giving him a hug.

“hey Hyuckie” She smiles at him, she smells like Yukhei.

He greets her and heads directly to Yukhei’s room, everything lit up by morning sun.

He knocks once, twice.

“come in.” Yukhei sounds half asleep.

He opens the door slowly and Yukhei is in his bed, his blanket covering him. Smooth skin is seen and Donghyuck turns away pink.

Yukhei blinks at his direction and covers himself, they weren’t like that before. Yukhei could come out naked and Donghyuck would never blush. They feel like strangers, Donghyuck hates it.

“hey.” Yukhei says sitting up.

Donghyuck smiles at him and sits down on the edge. The last time he was here they cuddled, Yukhei’s departure looming in on them both.

They sigh at the same time.

“I do forgive you.” Donghyuck says softly. “I just got angry that you were saying all those things about me. I get that it was for your own good, you leaving. Im okay with it.” He continues looking over at Yukhei who is now sitting next to him, he’s staring at his hands. He looks pretty, face a bit puffy from sleep, Donghyuck wants to put his hands on Yukhei’s cheek.

He smiles at Donghyuck.

“I’m sorry too, you have your own life. You don’t need to tell me everything you do, because I know no matter what happens you and me are gonna be best friends for life. I was just jealous.” He confesses. Donghyuck thinks about being best friends forever. He's okay with that. At least he is trying to convince himself of that.

“I didn’t get to tell you yesterday, but you were great Hyuckie, i've always liked your voice and hearing you sing especially in a band, your so cool. I bet you have a bunch of fans huh?” he says bumping his shoulder with Donghyuck.

“obviously.” He says teasing.

“also, you wearing leather jeans! That was really hot.” Yukhei blurts out. Donghyuck looks at him surprised Yukhei is blushing.

“you think so?” Donghyuck teases.

“Yeah, you looked hot on stage, all this charisma and you dancing. I’ve never seen that side of you before.” He says suddenly.

Donghyuck stands up clearing his voice. Was Yukhei flirting with him? Yukhei looks proud at himself.

The rest of the day is them watching movies and telling each other everything that they haven’t. It feels like old times and Donghyuck is happy.

The next day Donghyuck remembers he has this really important exam and he left both the book the exam is going to be about and his backpack back at the dorm room. He wasn’t expecting to stay home after the gig, but he wants to leave until he absolutely has to, he wants to spend more time with Yukhei.

He asks Yukhei to give him a ride up to his college just for those items, and Yukhei is happy to do so. They arrive at the dorm and Chenle is there with Renjun having a full on make out session, when Donghyuck comes in.

“ew, you guys oh my god.” He says looking at the scene, Yukhei behind him.

“What, I thought you were gonna stay home all weekend.” Chenle defends himself.

“I just need to get some stuff to study, for an exam. Don’t do anything in my bed okay?” Donghyuck warns them.

Renjun blushes. “of course not, Duckie.” Chenle says sweetly batting his eyelashes.

he mutters I love you and leaves the dorm room.

“duckie?” Yukhei questions.

“yeah that’s what Chenle calls me.”

“just like Jungwoo.” Yukhei says.

“yeah.”

Yukhei nods.

“Can I call you duckie?” he asked suddenly.

“if you want to.” Donghyuck responds confused.

“you know what, I like Hyuckie better.” Yukhei sounds like he’s convincing himself.

“I just have to go to the library to get another book and then we can leave okay?”

“Okay.” Yukhei says happily.

At the library Donghyuck spots a familiar face, and before he can hide himself. That familiar face spots him as well.

“Donghyuck.” Kun says waving at him.

“Kun.” He responds, he hadn’t seen Kun since the party.

“What’s up Kun.” Yukhei says somewhere behind Donghyuck.

Kun smiles at him and asks him how he’s been, they talk for a while, in the meantime Donghyuck is moving slowly away from them, trying to find the book he’s looking for. He hears someone next to him, he turns and its Kun.

“Hey, Donghyuck I just. I wanted to apologize.” Kun starts he knows Yukhei is listening.

“no, you don’t have to, it was my fault.” Donghyuck tries to cut him.

“no, I mean you were drunk, and I should have been the bigger man, I should have jumped on you like that.” He says in a sorry voice and Donghyuck feels sad about that because he had enjoyed it.

“you don’t have to, Kun I enjoyed it too, I just needed to leave is all.” He says trying to comfort him. 

“you did?” Kun smiles at him.

“It was great, you're great.” Donghyuck continues.

“your good too, you’re a great kisser.” Kun says blushing and Donghyuck wants to fall off the face of the earth. He gives him a small smile and Yukhei is looking at them both, his stare icy.

“you should give me your number.” Kun asks Donghyuck to give him his phone.

“sure.” Donghyuck takes Kun’s phone and gives it to him. Kun looks content.

“text you soon.” He says blushing and then turns to Yukhei.

“Bye Yukhei hope you have a great flight.” Kun says leaving. Yukhei continues to look stiff throughout their whole stay at the library.

🌟

Donghyuck finally finds the book he’s looking for and during that time Yukhei hasn’t said a word to him, he looks angry. They hop onto the car and Yukhei still won’t speak to him, it takes an hour for them to reach their hometown and he doesn’t want the whole trip to be just silence.

“I guess you're wondering what that was about.” Donghyuck cuts the silence with his words the same time Yukhei does. “you kissed Kun?”

“Yes.” Donghyuck responds to Yukhei’s question.

“why didn’t you tell me?” Yukhei’s knuckles white from holding on to tightly on the steering wheel.

Donghyuck hums I don’t know.

“you like him? Is that it?” there’s an edge to Yukhei’s voice.

He doesn’t like the tone Yukhei has, so what if he likes Kun. He can like him, its not like they are involved or anything.

“what if I do?” Donghyuck responds daringly.

“just answer the question Donghyuck.” Yukhei sounds angry.

“no, I don’t like him okay?” Donghyuck starts. “I just went to a party and he was there and we kissed. That's it, nothing happened. I'm too caught up in my emotions to do that.” Donghyuck says not really sure what he means.

“of course, that’s why he asked for your phone number. I asked you Donghyuck and you just lied to me. I don’t know why you keep on lying to me.” Yukhei is angry now, his voice is what’s outing him, his eyes are still on the road.

“I didn’t lie to you; I just didn’t tell you everything.” Donghyuck says defending himself.

“you always have these fucking excuses, Donghyuck.”

“they aren’t excuses; I just didn’t want to tell you everything.”

“Why? We're best friends, we are supposed to tell each other everything.” Yukhei says a little quieter now. He looks at Donghyuck, his face sad.

“Yukhei, oh my god. We literally just had a conversation about this, we don’t need to tell each other everything.” Donghyuck is still angry.

“I tell you everything, I don’t tell you something once and now you think its okay to do the same thing. It was just one thing Donghyuck, okay? And now its like your personal vendetta to not tell me anything about your life, its like you want me to hurt like you hurt, well guess what Donghyuck im hurting okay? You happy now?” Yukhei continues his voice softer now.

“I don’t want you to hurt.” He tells him eyes on the road as well.

“Then just tell me okay? don’t hold anything in and tell me everything.” Yukhei says, his voice barely audible.

“I can’t tell you everything.” Donghyuck states he is still not looking at Yukhei.

“why not?” Yukhei says getting angry.

“because there are some things that aren’t worth saying.” Donghyuck responds snapping.

“like what?”

Donghyuck feels the confession bubbling within him and before he can stop it he says it loud and clear, he almost thinks that he didn’t if it wasn’t for the fact that Yukhei almost crashes the car.

“what?” all of Yukhei’s anger disappeared.

Donghyuck thinks. “I might as well.”

“I’m in love with you Yukhei, I don’t know exactly since when I’ve loved you but I know for a fact that its so engrained into me that I would have to stop being me, to stop loving you. When you told me, you were leaving I guess that’s what tipped me off. The fact that I would never see you again, it broke my heart. So I decided I wanted to do things differently, a lot of who I am is because of you so I decided to change, I got new hairstyle, a piercing, likes and dislikes all so I could forget about you, but it didn’t matter. Because I love you and I will always love you and I’m sorry I ruined our friendship.” Donghyuck is now in tears.

Yukhei stops the car by the side of the road. Donghyuck is surprised but doesn’t look to where Yukhei is.

“Hyuckie.” Yukhei says softly.

“Please look at me.” Donghyuck can’t seem to look at him.

“Donghyuck please.” It sounds like a plea.

He turns to face him, when he feels Yukhei’s big hands over his cheeks and Yukhei is crying too.

“I’m in love with you too.”

“what?”

“Yes, I’ve been in love with you for like ten years, I think? I know exactly the moment I fell for you, and I haven’t gotten up since. I’ve been trying to give you hints about my love for you since forever Hyuckie but you're so oblivious it hurts. I didn’t tell you I was leaving because I didn’t want to hurt you, but I knew that if I told you before those two weeks you would have convinced me to stay, I would do anything for you, and since my parents had already bought the tickets and couldn’t let them down. It's one of my biggest regrets not telling you before.” He wiped off some of Donghyuck’s tears and continued.

“I thought I would forget you in China, I dated a couple of guys but I would always find myself comparing them to you, when I saw how happy you were without me it broke my heart, then Kun messaged me and I always knew you liked him, you would always blush when he appeared and I got jealous I couldn’t let him have your phone number. I’ve always loved you Donghyuck and I always will.” He put both of their foreheads together.

Donghyuck kissed him hard. The kiss was everything Donghyuck expected and more. It made him feel dizzy and with an ache in the pit of his stomach. Yukhei kisses him over the corner of his mouth, his cheeks, his jaw, all over and Donghyuck has never felt more loved. They kiss for what seems like forever, exploring each other like astronauts in space.

They ride back home hand and hand and wow is life great.

His name is Donghyuck and he is in love with his best friend, and his best friend loves him back. He has a band, and great friends. Donghyuck is a pretty lucky guy. 

**Author's Note:**

> if you finished thank you so much, i hope you liked it. If you have any questions you can find me at: https://curiouscat.me/citysnow


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